It is under the shadow of each other that the people survive.
I’m back. At least for now. I will admit I’ve said that
before and then re-disappeared. It might happen again. Life did that thing to me where it pulled the
rug out from under my feet. I was blessed enough to have been surrounded by
kind and generous people who were there to catch me as I fell. And trust me, I
fell. Very hard and very fast and I would have been completely lost without
them.
I’ve said before that I wanted to come back to writing my
blog posts with amazing positivity, but that’s just not possible for me at the
minute. I’ve decided to write anyway. It would feel dishonest to come back,
pretending everything is great because it isn’t.
Thing aren’t completely back to normal for me yet, and to be
honest I don’t know what normal looks like anymore. Sometimes it feels as
though I’m still falling, normally it’s because I am. I’m a work in progress. It
seems as though everything I thought I knew is untrue, and I’m learning how to
create a new normal, one where who I am, what I want and the actions I choose
to take are all aligned.
I feel as though I’ve gained entry a secret club, a club no
woman actually wants to join, but is so grateful for its existence. A club
filled with women stand with me in solidarity and say, ‘I see what happened to
you and I am here.’ Where I am not judged or reprimanded, just allowed
to exist, however I am. Rupi Kaur’s words have become so relevant and true to
me. She said, ‘On the days where I could not move, it was women who came to
water my feet until I was strong enough to stand, it was women who nourished me
back to life.’ I’ve learned the necessity of being surrounded and supported by
other women. And the necessity of surrounding and supporting other women. Always.
This period of my life has taught me so many things, and it
has helped me to reframe my way of thinking. For a while, things were so difficult
that I felt as though I could barely stand. I leaned completely on others in a
way I never had before. It felt weird, and uncomfortable and I didn’t like it. Mostly
because I grew up thinking that I could do everything by myself. Everything. I
very seldom leaned on others, expecting that they would let me down and anyway,
I could do it better by myself.
Of course, I was always complimented on my independence. How
great it was that I could travel the world, live abroad and ‘always land on my
feet.’ But behind closed doors, it wasn’t always so easy. The architecture in
Budapest was beautiful, but it didn’t mean anything when I had to suddenly
leave my apartment because I could feel my housemate becoming violent. The
sunny days in Spain were marvellous, but they didn’t feed me when my bank
account was frozen for a week, or house me when my lease was up and I hadn’t
yet found a new apartment to move into. Similarly in Toulouse, the French
patisserie is to die for, but when the only voice I’ve heard that day is my own
and my Google Home’s, a croissant au beurre becomes a whole lot less exciting.
However, despite the challenges, throughout my time living
abroad, I have always managed to find great people, lovely kind people, who take
care of me and help me out. I try to see this as one of my strengths, my
ability to build a community and support system no matter where I am in the
world.
In Budapest, I met two friends who loved and supported me
through a break-up after a long term relationship and who invited me to stay
with them in Spain while I cleared my head. When I officially moved to Spain,
my boss couldn’t do enough to ensure I felt at home. I remember arriving into
Alicante airport and seeing her waiting for me at the arrivals. She helped me
set up a bank account, see a doctor when I needed and hugged me when I cried about
missing one of my sister’s football finals. On the weekends, I tutored for a
girl whose parents saw my Facebook post searching for more work, and
consequently decided to pay me more as well as giving me whatever miscellaneous
groceries they had ‘accidentally’ bought but wouldn’t use.
Here, in Toulouse, there are no words to accurately describe
the amount of kind-hearted and generous people I am surrounded by. My friends,
who I am so lucky to have met, who let me rattle on and on about my problems.
I’ve met people who have dropped everything to hoist me back up in my times of
need, who have gone great lengths to help me keep my head above water. I
finally feel heard, and that I don’t have to do everything on my own. It feels
like a new beginning for me. That I’m beginning a different life, one where I
listen to myself and my intuition. A life where I put myself first.
During this period of my life, I have leaned on art,
literature and quotes to get through difficult moments. One that has come to
mind more often than not is an old Irish proverb, or a ‘seanfhocal,’ which
says: ‘Ar a scáth a chéile a mhaireann na daoine.’ This translates to, ‘It is
in the shadow of each other that the people survive,’ meaning that we are
shielded from the sun by each other, that we need other people for shelter, and
to survive. I know that this is a message that I need to repeat to myself when things
aren’t going so well. That it’s normal that I can’t handle everything by
myself. That there isn’t one person on this earth that can handle everything
themselves. That I would never expect from another person what I expect from
myself. I’m only human and it is human nature to need other people.
Another quote that I have been repeating to myself is,
‘Nothing changes if nothing changes.’ If I continue to do what I have been
doing my whole life and expecting something to change, I will be sorely disappointed.
Apparently, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over
and expecting different results. I’ve been trying to do everything by myself
and I have been struggling for years, therefore it’s clear that this method
doesn’t work. It’s time to change my approach and accept a helping hand from
others. Nothing will change if nothing changes.
